Parents please read and share - might save you some heartache

I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a while, but you see the last 10 days have been the worst of my life.

My husband and I unfortunately came down with a nasty flu bug, no doubt a result of us both being teachers and mixing with many different people from day to day. It was your typical nasty bug (must have been nasty as we'd both had flu jabs), made worse by the fact that our 4-month-old son seemed to be coming down with the same.
We took him to the GP as his temperature overnight had hit 41. The GP checked his breathing, ears and throat, and advised us to try piggy-backing Calpol and Nurofen to reduce the temperature and assured us he would get better soon. Three days later, he was still poorly, so we returned to the GP for a further examination. We saw a different doctor this time, who performed the same exam and found nothing, but suggested we should maybe try the local hospital as our baby was so young and a high temperature is concerning.
Once at the hospital, things went from bad to worse. Having been examined, the doctors starting muttering the word 'meningitis' - every parent's worst nightmare. Our beautiful boy was promptly admitted where he had to endure blood tests and an horrendous lumbar puncture. This involved bending him practically in half to insert two needles (it didn't work the first time) into the base of his spine. It was so nasty, we weren't even allowed to be present for the procedure.
We were also asked if we'd managed to get a urine sample from him. Of course, whenever I'm at home and change a nappy, my LO wriggles and giggles so much that he inevitably wees everywhere in the process. Tonight, however, it wasn't happening. They gave up on that idea and went on with the tests, blasting with antibiotics in case of meningitis.
48 hours later, blood cultures confirmed that it wasn't meningitis, merely a simple infection (phew!). However, the lack of a urine sample meant that the results were inconclusive and we would never fully know the true cause of our son's illness. We were finally sent home with a bottle of oral antibiotics and told to keep an eye on his temperature for a few days.
The consultants at the hospital said that if the GP had taken a urine sample originally, the whole traumatic hospital experience might have been avoided; the problem was that GPs are not in the habit of taking routine urine samples from children.
We were lucky, but I am urging all parents out there to push for urine samples up front, perhaps to save themselves the stress of a hospital stay and their little ones the trauma of unnecessary procedures.  If you have to, get a sample yourself in a sterilised container and get it to someone to analyse straight away.  Hopefully, this will help you avoid the stresses and strains of the week we've had.

When did we all stop caring?

On saturday afternoon I found myself in a supermarket at the lower end of the price range (see The women we love to hate). I had decided to push munchkin around for the afternoon to give him something new to look at and so arrived looking like a cross between a bag lady and an airport porter, pushing a huge and rather strange combination of buggy, trolley etc. complete with cuddly toys and changing bag. I needn't have worried - I was not the oddest one there.

I'll skip straight past the compulsory shoppers in their dressing gowns (when did that happen?) to the hoodies, tracksuit bottoms and flip-flops-with-socks combos that were on offer.  Sure, as a new mum i'm sometimes caught out running to the door in my slippers...and there was that time when I remembered the shoes but forgot to pick two that matched, but still.  It got me thinking: when did people stop caring what they look like?

Flash back to the fabulous 40s.  In my grandmother's heyday, it was considered unacceptable to go out with a ladder in one's silk stocking.  The outfit was not complete without matching red lipstick and the heels had to be at least 3 inches high.  Back then, ladies really made an effort, and it was rewarded by men reacting like gentlemen - holding doors open and pulling chairs out.  If a lady of the forties could have been confronted with a skinny-jean-wearing teenaged girl of the 21st century, she would no doubt have fainted into the arms of the nearest kind Sir.

Are we supposed to blame our mothers who famously burned their bras in the 60s?  If so, surely after all their fights for equality between the sexes, it should be us women in the sharp suits, holding doors open for gentlemen and so on.  And yet, equality meaning 'women can dress like men' seems to have become 'women can dress like scruffs' and to hell with the consequences.

And yet, here we are in the "open-minded" twenty-first century, with parliament still arguing over same-sex marriage.  If they're not sure which way to go when casting their votes this week, they should simply take a trip to my local supermarket.  In there, the women dress like men, the men dress like children and the children dress like superheroes.  Pick any two customers at random to be united in marriage, and see if they will make the effort there instead.

A real mummy's breastfeeding story (2)

If you've been keeping up with my blog you'll know that this week I've been chatting to other mums about the difficulties we face breastfeeding our babies ('Is breast really best?').  Why is it that it's still considered taboo to bottle feed or to admit that we struggle with breastfeeding?  Here's our second true story from a mum of 2:

It's definitely true that in general bottle-fed babies sleep through at an earlier age. That said, my two were both breastfed and slept very differently. My daughter slept 8hrs at 4 weeks, then 12hrs pretty early, my son slept through without feeding similarly early but has always been an early riser and disturbed by teeth etc. There are indisputable benefits to breastfeeding, but unfortunately because of these, the pro-breast feeders are loathed to tell prospective parents the truth about how hard it will be and how bottle feeding or mixed feeding can sometimes save your sanity. Hence, unrealistic expectations and lots of mums feeling like failures. Happy mums make for happy babies so you do what's right for you and yours. Some mums find feeding easy. For me, learning to feed my two was one of the hardest things I've ever done, physically and emotionally. I did it and I'm proud of that, but I would never judge anyone or choosing a different way.

There's way too much pressure put on new mums re feeding and sometimes that is counter-productive. Part of my problem at the start was that I was so wound up about getting it right that I couldn't relax enough to do it properly. Never beat yourself up about something other people tell you is best for your child. No child ever came to harm by drinking formula, especially when it’s being given by a loving mum/dad/granny.

I think part of the problem is, parenting is tough and the biggest shock ever. So, with most of us being career women before becoming mums, we are used to being able to control things. When we can't, we panic and look for magic solutions. This means we generalise (eg bottlefed babies sleep better, gina ford-style routines make life easier, super-nanny style naughty steps work for everyone). None of this is true. I have a friend who has exclusively breastfed 3 perfect sleepers and equally know bottlefed babies who have slept terribly. I know breastfed babies who pick up every virus going and have allergies. You can't generalise or second guess when it comes to little humans. You've just got to follow your instinct. If you're anything like me, you will spend a lot of evenings over the next few years feeling like you have failed in some way. But you will always have way more to be proud of.

A real mummy's breastfeeding story (1)

Why is it that it's still considered taboo to bottle feed or to admit that we struggle with breastfeeding?  Here's our first true story:

I exclusively breastfed both my little ones until they were 10 months old but being the pro I now like to consider myself I can honestly hand on heart say that I can totally see the advantages of bottle feeding and also agree that making the decision (or finding yourself in a position where there is no decision to be made because for whatever reason breastfeeding doesn't work) to bottle feed does no harm to mums, babies or the mum and baby bond!

I put a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself to exclusively breastfeed and the guilt that went with it was immense! I'm not complaining at all because I loved it and I cried when the time came to stop. But breastfeeding on demand often 2 hourly day and night, not being able to have a social life unless baby is attached to your breast, not being able to have a wee when you need to, and not being in a bed on your own with your husband for 4 years are definitely valid reasons why many would choose bottles. Everyone has the right to choose without judgment or guilt being attached!

I've made my own decisions on how to parent and have been openly criticised for many of my methods. Breastfeeding and giving up my social life, bed sharing, and not having any routines! I've never tried to get my little ones into routines such as bedtimes etc. - I've always let them do things when they're ready and in their own time! As I said I've been criticised for this and I can see 100% how this wouldn't work for many people! It's been easy on my children but definitely not on my husband and myself. We haven't had a good night’s sleep for 4 years and not even our evenings are our own but these decisions are ones we made and are happy to stick with!

We all make decisions based on our own circumstances and whether this is related to feeding or sleeping or discipline, as long as our children are warm, clean (some of the time) well fed, happy and healthy I don't think anyone has the right to judge and we should all be able to give ourselves a massive pat on the back for getting through the biggest challenge in the world - being a parent.

Is breast really best?

Yesterday The Times published an article ('Your mother-in-law was right: breastfed babies don't sleep through the night' times2 24/01/13) about the links between breastfeeding and babies sleeping through the night.  According to a recent study, breast-fed babies wake more through the night because they are used to relying on the feed to help them sleep and, as a consequence, are unable to "self-soothe" themselves back to sleep like bottle-fed babies.

Sound quite sensible?  That's what I thought.

So why is it that it's still considered taboo to bottle feed or to admit that we struggle with breastfeeding?  We all know the benefits of breastfeeding - antibodies, mummy-baby bonding etc, and while the NHS recommends breast feeding for at least the first 6 months of life, the World Health Organisation (WHO) is now promoting continuing some form of breastfeeding, along with solids, until up to 2 years of age.

But is it really that simple?  Do we all have the time/patience/ability to sit around all day with baby attached to the breast?  I wanted to debate the idea that breast might not always be best, and share my findings with you, the other mums of the world.

Firstly, to me.

My own experience was quite disheartening.  My little boy was born with a tooth - not as uncommon as it sounds, apparently I had one too.  This meant that he struggled to latch on from the start.  Add to that a panicked, assisted delivery, which resulted in me left in theatre for 90 minutes being stitched up and you've got one mummy and baby who do not want to do the immediate breast-feed bonding.  So we missed out.

Two days later I was still in hospital and still unable to feed him.  The midwife, unhelpfully, told me that I just wasn't producing any milk and should just give up.  However I insisted that I wanted to persevere and so they gave me formula and a syringe to feed him from, as it was apparently the nearest thing to breastfeeding they could suggest.  This was awful - like caring for a poorly kitten.  I spent the time in tears while my little boy was being force-fed like an animal.

Back home I was referred to a breast-feeding counsellor - another totally disheartening experience.  In all fairness, she did get him to latch on to me a couple of times but it was so painful I wasn't able to continue with it once I'd got home.  She told me if I wanted to breast feed I had to spend all day in bed with my little one trying, or at least express 8 times a day for 30 minutes at a time so he could get the breast milk.

Now this may not seem like a lot to some hard-core breastfeeders out there.  But to me, it was torture.  I couldn't see how I could cope with being a new mum, persevering with syringe feeds and finding time to express and practice breastfeeding.  So that's when I made a drastic call: I bought a bottle and some formula.

Bingo!  Suddenly my little boy was feeding like no tomorrow and I was able to grab 5 minutes to sit down and relax.  The pressure had been lifted.

A few weeks later, the hospital recommended that my son have his tooth taken out as it was beginning to cause him ulcers, as well as the previous feeding problems.  After that, we did try breastfeeding again but by then he was so used to the bottle that he couldn't make the transition back to breast.  I managed to continue to express a little a day up until he was three months old and the milk supply just seemed to stop.

So I suppose I would class myself as a reluctant bottle feeder.  It's not how I intended starting off with my baby, but now I'm glad it's a decision I made - for all of our sakes.

And the best advice I can give to other new mums out there?  Trust your instinct.  You know what's best for you and baby.  After all, happy mummy = happy baby.  Or so they say.

So what was it like for other mums out there?  I'll be posting some real-life stories on here about other mums and their experiences with feeding.  Hopefully, if you're going through a hard time you'll find something that resonates with you and realise you're not alone.

What this is all about

To be honest, I probably should have opened with this one.  But, me being me, I got excited and started rambling.  I suppose that's the point of blogging tbh, to ramble about things that matter to me (and hopefully, to you).  But it's not very helpful when it sends you off on a tangent and you forget what you're supposed to be doing!

The point of this blog is as a forum for mums to relate, discuss and learn about pregnancy, birth and beyond.  Becoming a mum is the most incredibly rewarding thing that can ever happen to a woman but it does come with its challenges.  Well, duh, I hear you say.  However, what I found when I was pregnant -and I must add here that I was probably the most organised THEORETICAL pregnant lady in the world, i.e. I read EVERYTHING - is that there is an awful lot of stuff they don't tell you.

For example.  I went for a routine checkup to my midwife at 26 weeks.  No biggie, I was used to it by then.  However, my midwife was on holiday so I got the locum.  She had a feel of my bump and a listen to his heartbeat.  Then she told me she thought she detected a slight murmur or second heartbeat.

This is where I started to panic.  She told me that I would need to go back to the hospital for a third scan with the consultant (the 12-week and 20-week having shown no problems).  She called the hospital and arranged for me to go in urgently the next morning.  Then she showed me out the door.

Imagine what I felt!  I had no information, didn't know what to expect, had no idea what this could mean.  So I went home...and googled it.  BIG MISTAKE.  Immediately I got pages and pages of heart defects, operations on children etc.  I cried.  My brain went straight to worst-case-scenario and I started picturing my tiny baby boy in pain in a hospital bed.  That was a very hard night to get through.

The next day we went to the hospital and saw the consultant.  She was fantastic.  She talked us through everything and explained that, in fact, 60% of babies are born with a slight heart murmur or the like and that 9 times out of 10 they heal themselves in the first year.  Then she did the scan and found NOTHING.  All that worrying for nothing.  At my next appointment with my regular midwife, she went nuts at the locum because I'd been so frightened in her absence.

That is when I started thinking about writing a blog.  I wish another mum had told me the night before that it was really common and would probably come to nothing.

So that's where you come in.  If you went through something in pregnancy, birth or beyond where you wish someone could have just said 'it happened to me too - don't panic!' then please write in and let me know.  Email middlingmum@gmail.com or post a comment and we'll get the word out there to women like us.

The truth about being a Mummy (1)

After my initial silly rant on here (see The women we love to hate), I opened up the forum through my facebook page to friends of mine who are mums.  Here's what one of them had to say:

"I think all mums feel so much pressure to not only be a good mum (which is what really counts) but to have a perfect house and look perfect too! I also think the same pressure applies to pregnancy! People feel that they should bloom for the whole nine months and so quite often lie through their teeth about how they're feeling! Woman myself included feel like a failure and that they're being ungrateful if they admit that they don't enjoy pregnancy and if they find it hard they feel like they're letting their womenly nature down! It's all rubbish! If people were more open and honest about the realities of pregnancy and life with children then it would take some of that pressure away! Being a mum is the most incredible job in the world ! It's an absolute blessing and and an honour to be responsible for developing little lives but it's hard work and there is no shame in admitting to that!"  

Well done that woman!  Why is it we all feel that it's our 'job' to sail through pregnancy perfectly?  The question "how do you feel" is almost a challenge.  If you were to reply "well awful, actually.  I can't wait for this to be over..." you'd probably be met with stunned silence!  But that's the truth of it.

Throughout the last three months of my pregnancy I suffered from severe pelvic girdle pain.  Ok, it's not life-threatening but it was extremely painful.  I ended up on crutches to get around the house and had to be pushed around supermarkets in a wheel chair.  Not only was I given rude looks/questioning looks/"why do you deserve a wheel chair?" looks but I felt like a complete fool - like my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to be i.e. carrying a child!  And yet we're embarrassed to admit it in public, to share with the world that all is not right. 

Therefore, in the spirit of this blog I'm going to be the first one to say I did not enjoy being pregnant...

but being a mum is the best feeling in the world :)